My mother died last week.
I used to wonder, with vague dread of its eventuality, what it would feel like when she was gone. I used to future-trip about how to handle the loss. And then, it just gently arrived and settled in a week ago. The biggest surprise? I’ve been accommodating. I’ve given death permission to exist. And yet I’m too busy for grief because the administrative demands feel endless.
This requires going into character. It’s like a play: I put on my neutral, business casual face and proceed with the matters at hand. Secretly I am lost in forgetfulness, writing one appointment or task down but not remembering where I wrote the note to myself. Admin world need not know about the inner workings of suppressed grief world, even though they arrived together as odd counterparts. Both are waving in my face, wanting all my attention.
Did you feel something today? There’s a form to fill out for that. The bureaucracy of death interferes with any spiritual or emotional processing, and demands to be acknowledged first.
But maybe it’s best to lay out a blanket of paperwork in order for the feelings to come out more comfortably later. So, I do the admin. My sister does the admin. After completing some tasks with our professional-setting faces and voices, we take shelter in carbs and sugary snacks while flopped on the oversize sofa, and quietly binge-watch television shows.
My mother’s death has taken over my life for the time being. It’s weird, being a walking epitaph. It scares me. I’ve been intensely focused on the past and ancestry and commemoration for years. Am I just going to look backwards and be a human crypt? I want my time on this earth to feel more fully lived than that. I hope I still show up before I leave for good.
Yoga helps. For the last five weeks, I haven’t had time for what is usually my regular practice. When my head is too heavy, my body likes to make shapes. The relief acts as its own psalm.
In my mind I’m talking to my mother constantly, asking her if she’s alright in her new invisible world, if she’s comfortable, if she found my dad yet. I love her tremendously. I love her for all time. I am so grateful for every minute I had in this life with her. More grief is just offstage, waiting to be revealed, waded through. For now, I still have to do the admin.
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Hopefully, more of my ‘regular’ content will be forthcoming shortly. Some things are planned and in the works. I just have to turn a corner with the matters at hand. Thank you again for being here.